did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
