ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
