I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
