why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
