it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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