I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
