I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
