Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
