thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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