even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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