I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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