....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
and you fell through a lawn chair
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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