it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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