false alarm. still invincible.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
