That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
