So drunk its hurt
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
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She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
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Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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