It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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