Got a toothbrush?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
