Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
