I haven't been this sober since birth.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
