We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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