I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
