Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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