Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
