Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
