I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
