i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
