i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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