Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize