My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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