The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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