im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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