there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
