so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
