so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
