just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
