Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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