1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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