last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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