Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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