Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
