I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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