I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
