On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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