Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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