I think I died a long time ago.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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