I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
