I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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