well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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