Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Come on in and take your pants off
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