How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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