Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
