Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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