i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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