Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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