I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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