How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
this is an emotional support booty call
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
