I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize