he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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